Walking slowly down the long road of Brownstone Avenue, Syrius wondered at how life had changed for him. Career over with, more money then he needed, and no ambition whatsoever. Glorious. The day had started with the usual: wake up to the sound of his solar-powered watch beeping and rolling over into the side of his tent he had come to call home. Standing and having walked out, he had proceeded to go through his morning PT, eat a simple breakfast of MRE's he still had laying about in his rucksack, and pack up his campsite to continue his journey down the lonely road. Where was he going? He had no idea. All he knew was that he had arrived to a town he had no idea what it was called, nor cared. It seemed like a simple, stupid town with nothing important in it... Perfect for him.
Noticing a old abandoned warehouse to the left, Syrius headed straight towards it as he hummed a random tune. Old abandoned buildings were always fun and definitely a improvement over the simple tent he always slept in. Nobody lived in them (except people like himself of course), never had to pay anything, and nobody cared if you lived in them except for owners. Chuckling at the thought, the lone wanderer pulled out his trusty lockpick (aka, his trusty hairpin) and began working the old rusty lock of the front entrance, wondering if anyone would see him at such a early time of the day.
Shrugging at the thought, he just continued his simple thinking and humming to himself as he finally busted the lock and entered what would probably be his new home for the next couple weeks. At least, if he can hide himself away and make sure this didn't turn into a game of hide-and-go-seek... Though that would be fun he had to admit...
I like Syrius - he seems like a very interesting character. In the next few blogs, I would write more about his back story. That may have been your intention and, if it was, DO IT. I'm interested to learn about what happened to him.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused why he has to live in a tent/shack if he has "more money than he needed." Maybe I misunderstood that - did you mean he still didn't have enough but he had more than enough to get by? That was probably my fault but that was the only thing I was curious about.
You work in "the day started with" a few sentences in. I like the details you provided but starting with "the usual" kind of killed it for me and took some redeeming. Also, I'd like to know a smell to picture his life more vividly.
ReplyDeleteI love the character's negativity and sarcasm – I like how you described the feelings inside his head about the awful town.
"At least, if he can hide himself away and make sure this didn't turn into a game of hide-and-go-seek... Though that would be fun he had to admit..." This line is great and makes me think he's a fugitive.
One thing I'd proofread more is parallel structure/sentence flow. A few of the sentences are awkward and take away from the mysterious aura.
You had a very intriguing entry, because I was left hanging, which keeps the readers intrigued. But, I would agree with the first comment that you need to expand more on who he is as a person. It does seem like he is rich when you mention "more money then he needed," so if you had mentioned more about why he was going on the journey it would have made more sense.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I really like the direction that you are going in with your character. If you added more details to the character's personality and his purpose for his journey the story would flow better.
There are a few plot elements I'm confused about... is Syrius rich, or not? In the last few sentences, is Syrius running from someone or is his mind going on a tangent like a crazy person?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely look back over what you've written. There are more than a few grammatical errors that take away from my focus of reading. Also, a lot of your sentences are phrased oddly and don't provide a fluidity in the reading.
"Career over with, more money then he needed, and no ambition whatsoever. Glorious" is my favorite sentence because, even though I'm left confused about if he has a lot of money or not, I'm a big fan of one word sentences. It reflects a lot of the character's attitude and sarcasm, perhaps even pessimism. You can say more in one well placed word than an entire paragraph.
read more about our meeting: http://thedetective1.blogspot.com/
ReplyDelete“Judging by the skill with witch you stole my lion statue last night, it appears that you have practiced the art of stealing in a disciplined manner. It is this that leads me to believe that we are somewhat similar men. We both have too much time on our hands, and a passion that the world of today is not letting us fulfill. Essentially we are both out of work. I’d be interested in meeting with you face to face to discuss a job offer. If your interested, sign you name here, and meet me in the alley behind Casa D’ Waffles tomorrow night at 12:00 am.”
Sincerely,
Alistair Stratford Oxley, “The Detective”
Beneath which was only a scrawled signature reading, “Syrius Hawkins. I accept.”